Let me be blunt. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of my image, my confidence, and my self-esteem. I feel ugly and fat and tired. People keep telling me, "Oh, you're skinny, you're skinny!" But it's not working. I appreciate the efforts from my friends, but to tell you the truth, guys, I don't believe it.

I'm going to modeling tomorrow and that girl Amber, nice as she may be, keeps gloating about how skinny she looks and that my boobs are too big for a model/actress. I keep myself from crying but it hurts me. It really does. She can't see that it's affecting me mentally.

I feel like I'm going insane. If I don't get rid of this weight, I'm going to drown in my own self-pity. I HATE this! I don't want to be a complete loser...

By the end of the summer, I want to be down to my "skinny" weight. Maybe then mom wouldn't whisper about me behind my back. Maybe dad wouldn't drink. Maybe Mary could finally see me as a role model. Maybe maybe maybe...

I can't let myself become an empty shell. There's so much out there waiting for me! I NEED this! I feel the compelling urge to be perfect so that I won't be hurt anymore. So that maybe this current family life won't drag me down. I need to be my own person. I need to show my mom that she has no effect on me. I need to be in control. Control of myself. No one else has control of me. I CAN'T let this happen to me again.

From now on, this journal is to be my log of everything I do in a day. This will keep me from becoming a pig in front of the television. Hopefully, by the beginning of school, I'll at least be a LITTLE bit skinnier.

Yes, this'll be my food journal too. You guys don't have to read this, but you have to understand that something inside me just snapped today. I can't take this pain anymore. I've made a committment to myself.

I'm going to change. For the better? Hopefully. But this time, I'm changing for MYSELF.